I started with a new therapist this week which to be is always quite scary because I really don’t like having to relive all my past traumas in order to get to today. The stories of growing up gay in the Navy world, my father who pressured me to be something that I’m not, always being compared to my very successful young brother and sister, being overweight (and on and on) are my past and I understand why a new therapist would need to know that stuff. Reliving it is no fun, however.
He is a gay man with a gorgeous office down the block from my condo in downtown San Diego so that makes it nice and close. But to say we didn’t hit it off is an understatement. After me talking and sobbing for about fifteen minutes he stopped me and said “Simon, you are very angry” to which I replied “goddamn right I’m angry, I’m in a world that hates me for all sorts of reasons, my father is a complete asshole despite being constantly lauded as an American hero (he won all sorts of metals in Vietnam war), my sister and brother dropped bombs on people in Iraq and Afghanistan, I have not had any sexual contact for almost 5 years…yes I’m angry”
His only word to me was “gratitude” to which of course I replied “huh?”
He said we wanted me to make a list of things I’m thankful for. Ok fair enough, yes I do not show enough gratitude.
1. I am thankful for my mother. I love our Sunday brunches together and I love our text conversations that will go on all day long.
2. I am thankful that my mother is helping me with my rent and healhty insurance while I work out my situation with the SSA (and by helping, I mean she’s paying my rent and health insurance…LOL)
3. I am thankful that my brother and sister have made it safely through their many deployments, although there isn’t one iota of me that agrees with why they were there.
4. I am thankful that I have made it to 46 years old while being fairly healthy.
5. I am thankful for fat advocacy, like the fearless gay advocates of years past, the people leading the charge are making my life better.
So there’s my list of five things. I will pull up this blog on our next appointment. Hopefully the next appointment goes better.
What are you thankful for?