I HATE my father.

This isn’t a secret. I hate my father. He is one of the biggest assholes to ever live. I should stop there because why should I give him the service of qualifying anything I say. But I won’t because I need to get this off my chest.

I am 46. I was born in December, 1967 at the height of the Vietnam war, just as my father was graduating from flight school we then moved immediately to San Diego where my dad went to learn how to fly the F-4 Phantom after which he went directly to Vietnam where he was a bonafide hero. I don’t even know what metals he won but I know it was a lot of them. But he is hardly a hero at home because he should have quit the Navy and been at home with my and my Mother. The stress of his tours caused my mother to eat away her stress. Obviously she was genetically programed to be fat, because she went from about 115 shortly after I was born to well over 300lbs.

She was terrified of me going hungry so she fed me well to, I gobbled up whatever food she would give me but I have particularly fond memories of the times when she would bake an entire tube of cookie dough and we would bond over them while watching game shows. But all was not perfect because during my Father’s last deployment in Vietnam, she was committed to psychiatric inpatient care and I was sent to live with my father’s parents, Grandfather being another Navy hero from World War II and Korea. I was about 3-4 I think and put on starvation rations by my cruel and harsh grandfather but of course I didn’t lose any weight.

My mom got out of psychiatric care after about 6 months and had lost a ton of weight much to my fathers approval…he was way more affectionate towards her than I had ever seen him. My father went on to be fighter pilot instructor at Top Gun (yes, the one featured in the famous movie) and life was great between my parents. My Mother was the adorable picture perfect Navy wife who hosted parties and my father was the chiseled American hero who flew fighter planes. I was the big fat lard disappointment who was forced into sports, activities, fat camps, etc…  My mother managed to keep off the weight until well after my little brother was born in 1976 and my sister in 1980.

Shortly after my sister was born we moved to France where my father was a Military Attache at the US Embassy in Paris. I continued to gain weight but what became clear is that my father adored my brother who was his spitting image. As my sister got older she was as beautiful as my mother but a true tom boy. At this time I started to discover my sexuality and knew that I wanted to be nothing like my asshole father. He tried to be affectionate towards me but I had NONE of it. I remember screaming in his face at the apartment in France “FUCK YOU.” I never felt prouder.

My mother started gaining weight again. After 11ish years of keeping it off the stress of her mother dying was too much. Though I hate to give my father any credit, at least he stuck to his Christian values and never left her, or as far as I know he never cheated on her. I gained weight right along side her and got more and more flamboyant. My brother and sister developed into academic and athletic super-stars under my father’s tutelage (oh you know, the attention he never showed me). When we moved back to San Diego and my dad got promoted again he took them hiking, sailing, skiing etc… Although I was always invited, there was an absolute undercurrent of “hey you fat fag, lose weight and you can have fun with us” so I never ever went.

Sometime in the mid 80s, a real estate investment paid off and my Father and Mother became over night multi-milionaires. Of course my Father refused to share with us, insisting that we find our own way and despite the new found wealth our little house in La Jolla remained as austere as ever. As I started to get into my 20s I started college and was grudgingly given a car because I had to drive to SDSU from La Jolla every day.

My little brother and sister became my Father in spirit, body and soul. Both where highschool athletes and both went on to be stand out Midshipmen at the Naval Academy. Both went on to become pilots…if it wasn’t clear who the disappointment in the family was, the respective day my dad got to pin their Naval Avaitor wings on each of them, I might as well have been worm spit. He tried to force me into the “happy family” moment photograph in his good natured  jock tone “Get in here William…its Kathryn’s big day” refusing to call me by adopted gay name, Simon. In the picture of my sisters winging day you can actually see the back of my shoe and pant leg, whoever took the picture caught the exact moment as I turned to get away from the horror show.  The three of them have gotten a huge laugh out of that over the years, no doubt.

So with that back ground, why do I hate him today? The fucking asshole just gifted each my brother and sister 14,000 dollars. To my brother because he just got chosen to command his own fighter squadron and to my sister to help with expenses of her 3 year old because her husband has chosen to be a stay at home dad so she can have a career. What did he give me? NOTHING. NOTHING. I am near starving broke, in a constant fight with the SSA to increase my disability payments, I have an older car, etc… etc…

Oh and here’s the kicker. HE LEFT WORD OF THIS ON MY VOICEMAIL. I saw he tried to call me about 30 times but I never answer when I know its him so I checked today on the last one it said “William (again with that BULLSHIT, its not MY NAME) if you speak to ****** (******* my brother, we were both named after Navy Admirals from WWII, quaint right?) and ****, they aren’t trying to hide anything from you. I wanted to give them this gift. Its what I can give according to the IRS. I know you hate me for whatever reason and this probably won’t help but I know your mother has been giving you money for rent for years now. It frankly is not fair that that you have been given this huge advantage and done nothing with it, while they worked hard to get where they are. I am evening the playing field so to speak between the three of you. I have talked with your mother and we have decided that we are not going to be paying your rent as of the new year. I feel so much guilt for our relationship and I want to get to know you better before its too late, but I can no longer in good conscience turn a blind eye while your mother supports your lifestyle. As always I am here to talk about this if you want”

So in addition to everything else he’s fucking STEALING from me. So added to all my other stresses I have to find a new fucking place to live during the holiday season. I tried calling my mother to stop this madness but she said she could not talk about it right now, whatever that is supposed to me.

I want to post the audio here but I’m sure someone would be able to identify my voice but at the very least I have it on audio tape, in his own voice that he does not support my lifestyle choices. FUCK YOU FATHER.

edit: I took out my brother and sisters names, on of my friends who edited this for me said that it might be possible to identify them by their first names. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s